


Acceptance

by zephyras13



Series: Exiles [16]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Asexuality, Demisexual Character, Depression, Drabble Collection, F/M, Powerlessness, Present Tense, Romantic Friendship, Roommates, Single-Target Sexuality, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-05
Updated: 2012-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-04 21:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/398323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zephyras13/pseuds/zephyras13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ichigo is not nearly as oblivious as one might think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Acceptance

Ichigo doesn't know exactly how it happened. It doesn't help that it took him a long time to realize it, but when he finally takes the time to think back he guesses it started around the time he'd fought that insane serial-killing Hollow to save Chad's parakeet.

At first Rukia was nothing but a nuisance, a drain on his free time, yet another secret he had to keep, but this time from his family as well. She was always jabbering on about shinigami and Hollows, and honestly, Ichigo wished she would just get her powers back and take a hike.

Then she'd let a Hollow use her like a goddamn practice target and when he'd finally come after dropping Karin off back at home, she'd looked up at him, covered in blood and bruises, and _smiled_. Ichigo was...well, he was pretty pissed, furious that she would do this _again_ , and scared at how close she'd come to death, but a small part of him thought, _"oh"_.

That was how it started.

It only intensified after that. He started actually _liking_ being a shinigami, but once he got used to her presence, everything changed. Aizen came for her, and Ichigo still has nightmares about the way her voice sounded when she'd begged for his life that night. Rukia has always tried to protect him and after Aizen gutted her like a fish and Ichimaru tried to kill her (and would have if not for Urahara-san and Yoruichi-san's interference), Ichigo swore that he'd get strong enough to return the favor.

Obviously, he knew she was a girl. Or maybe he didn't. But even if the former was true, the fact remains that she's hardly the type of girl guys went crazy over. (Kon didn't count.) She's small, skinny, and _bony_. Even without the scarring, she has a rather unremarkable face and could probably be mistaken as a boy from far away. Ichigo truly doesn't find her attractive one way or another. But still, he wonders if it's possible to be attracted to someone without thinking they're attractive.

Because first and foremost, she's Rukia. And even though it took him a while to realize it, he knows now that it was _always_ going to be Rukia. _Obviously_ it was going to be Rukia, because, really, who else would it be?

He doesn't give much thought to her side of the story, but if he had to hazard a guess he would probably say his...feelings, or whatever, are unrequited. She's a lot older than him, after all, and though Ichigo knows she doesn't think of him as a kid, there's still a large gap between them. For reasons that he can guess at, though sometimes he wishes he couldn't, Rukia has never shown any hint of romantic interest in anyone, not even in abstraction. At first he'd thought it was because of her age, but then he'd met other ex-shinigami, which quickly proved that hypothesis false. She just isn't interested. More importantly, she's not interested in him. Rukia has never seemed to need him as much as he needs her, and part of him wonders if what happened two and a half years ago was only because she knew how he felt about her.

But whatever. It doesn't matter. Three years later and he gets to see Rukia everyday, he _lives_ with her, and Ichigo's never felt a particular compunction to confess his feelings. What would he even _say?_ He can't imagine ever having that conversation with her, even feels sick at the thought of trying to tell her what she means to him. She'd probably just stare at him with wide eyes, completely confused. She might laugh at the ridiculousness of it, or worse, she might feel like she couldn't trust him anymore. Ichigo never wants to see anyone look at him the way Inoue and Ishida had in Hueco Mundo again. He wants to protect so many people, and one of them is Rukia. He'd never want to make her feel uncomfortable or unsafe in her own home, and if he has to protect her from his own feelings, so be it.

And it's not like he's exactly pining away or anything, like in the movies. There's a lot of things he wants that he can't have. He wants his powers, he wants his mother back, he wants his friends' loneliness to disappear. The fact that he wants Rukia, wants to be able to kiss her, for her to feel the same helpless longing he feels for her is no different. A child knows you can't get everything you want, and Ichigo hasn't been a child in a long time. He accepts it and moves on.

Besides, he _likes_ their status quo, as unhealthy as it probably is, and Ichigo's never been good at even platonic relationships. This is safer, _easier_ , and he wouldn't know what to do even if she did return his feelings. Ichigo's loved her for a long time now and he's okay with it never going anywhere. He realizes that that's supremely fucked up, but he can't change how he feels.

Other people, like his stupid dad, keep telling him that he should make more of an effort to meet girls and go on dates, but the fact of the matter is that Ichigo doesn't _want_ anyone else. Even if he could find someone who could understand what he's been through and didn't think ghosts and monsters were merely children's tales, Ichigo isn't interested. It's just...it's just Rukia. It seems ridiculous to even think it, but he thinks it's only ever going to be Rukia. Before he'd met her...he'd never really...Keigo used to joke he was asexual, and though Ichigo'd always responded with a swift elbow to the gut, part of him wondered, maybe...

She's the only person he's ever really wanted. And, yeah, maybe it makes him a coward, but he'd rather never say a word about how he truly feels about her and be by her side than have someone else.

They're friends and they share an apartment now and sometimes Ichigo wonders about how weird it _isn't_. To anyone else, his life would be absolutely _insane_ , but Ichigo can't imagine it happening any other way. It's ridiculous, he's been throwing himself in death's path since he was fifteen, fought so many battles, been cut to pieces so many times, fought arguably the most power person on the planet and _won_ and now...

Now his powers are gone and sometimes he wakes up in the morning and can barely drag himself out of bed. Sometimes he'll be doing something completely ordinary, like riding the train or listening to a lecture and he'll _remember_ , and then it's like he can't breathe. None of it would've happened if he hadn't met Rukia, but then he thinks about how empty life was before he met her and thinks that no matter how miserable he is now, he can't regret it.

She lived in his _closet_ , for God's sake. At least now she has her own room. It's not weird. For Ichigo, it's the closest thing to normality he has in a life without the power to protect those most important to him.

It's a good thing he doesn't find her pretty though, because otherwise he might have a hard time living with her sometimes. Like sometimes when she falls asleep on their ratty couch, her hair spread out over the cushions, pale collarbones exposed above the collar of her dress and skirt hiked up enough to reveal a lot more leg than he's used to seeing from her. Or the fact that her bed is perpendicular to his against the wall that separates their rooms, and he can hear every sigh and murmur she makes in her sleep through the thin plaster. Or how she curls up into herself next to him whenever they share a bed, so small and fragile-looking that Ichigo wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and pull her close into his chest.

But he doesn't think about it often. There's school and work and having to wake up everyday without his sword. Powerlessness is like a fog that dulls and blurs everything else, leaving his emotions a jumbled up mess that he does not have the inclination to sort through.

To be honest, it's probably better that way. He fears what he might find.

It's why Tatsuki's words shock him so much. Because he doesn't think about it, he _doesn't._ He can't, because if he does, everything he's built over the past three years will crumbles to pieces. There's no possible way it can end well, and he decided long ago that it's just not worth it.

But then his friends start getting attacked, his sisters' memories have been messed with, and everything starts to crumble anyway.

And then there's only one thing he can do.

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah, sorry I didn't continue the cliffhanger from last part. But I'd like to think it was worth it. Please review!


End file.
